can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
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All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.