You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
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10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”