I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
You Might Also Like
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.