I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
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A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.