I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
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A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.