The old gods are rising again.
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“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law