before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
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Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Oh hi lol
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.