9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
My brain is a bad influence on me
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched