[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
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Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth