I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
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Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced