Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
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Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I’m not proud
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*