If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
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Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
dogs can find happiness so easily
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another