Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
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Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
They’re on their honeymoon
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.