[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
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Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class