My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
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*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*