[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
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Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
How did we not see this back then?
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
A short story about romance.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?