He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
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I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
my one true gender
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Heroic Misunderstanding
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.