Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
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7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.