Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.