I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.