SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
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*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
That’s amazing.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
im all 3
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.