Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
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Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
*jingles half the way*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti