It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Taliband
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time