I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
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I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Sharon, call the vet
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.