BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
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Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.