The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
This is me
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.