trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
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please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Not helping