Drive as I say, not as I drive.
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King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
cyclists
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.