Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
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Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….