If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
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Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP