I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
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I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
twitter is a journey
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
They’re called werewolves.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype