[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
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why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Why soy sad?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow