People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
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Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.