Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
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What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor