Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
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Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot