So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
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If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked