Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
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I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.