I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
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Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
You better watch out
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Fidel Castro was alive?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.