laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
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Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.