True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
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Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade