Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
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When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.