can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
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hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Meat Cute
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?