5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
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My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.