Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
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Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.