I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
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Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
sigh
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses