Best spot.. 😅
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Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.