Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
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Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.