When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
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“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
How high do the levels go?
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.