Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
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My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.