I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
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Social Media and Real life
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.